I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she...

Think about it, Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it off.

For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are frozen in some kind of time wrap until 3 PM on December 24th, then they, with amazing calm gather with other procrastinating men and go on a last minute shopping spree.

Once at the mall, they always seem to be surprised to find only hunting gear, socket wrench sets, and motor oil left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but not so. Most men consider it an enormous relief because it reduces the 11th hour decision making burden.)

On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia pet under the tree... still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.

First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eye, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Secondly, even if the male Santa did have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and would then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

Men can't pack a bag.

Men would rather be dead than be caught wearing red velvet.

Men would feel their masculinity is threatened – having to be seen with all those elves.

Men don't answer their mail.

Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything resembling a 'bowlful of jelly'.

I suppose that as long as we have each other, good will, and peace on earth, it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is...

I just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy.